I knew it all along. And yet, I didn’t quite allow myself to think, understand, and accept it.

It took more than a year after my mum had passed, and several books, mainly fiction about relationships, love, emotions, time travel, death, and the harbinger of death, who knew there was such a thing, that I may have finally, still not sure as I have my moments, accepted that death is outside my control.

Of course, it is. I got the memo, just like everyone else. I was just slow to read and sign on the dotted line signalling my acknowledgement. This is me again. Acknowledgment isn’t about moving on or forgetting but rather accepting that I must let go, and that I must live my life. Which to be honest, I have. What else is there to do?

Death – mine and loved ones – is inevitable. This ‘in-your-face’ fact only became real and apparent after my mum and brother number 1 passed. I know death is always there and happening around me every day. I’ve had relatives pass over the years. I’ve had four of my schoolmates pass in 2023. But closer to home, my last personal grief was 40 years ago when my dad died. And then, two deaths almost in close succession, in December 2023 and May 2024, was too sad, too overwhelming.

What I’m saying is illness and death, when it happens, happens. I can’t will it not to happen. Try, yes. It still takes its course, and happens. Pray, yes. It works sometimes and then not. I don’t know. No amount of prep can prep for death. It’s just too hard and too final.

For me, it especially doesn’t help being the youngest in an older family where all my siblings are senior citizens, including me. Sigh. If age-hierarchy plays out, although it didn’t actually pan out that way as brother number 1 was number five on the totem pole, I might be that cheese standing alone like in the nursery rhyme, ‘The Farmer in the Dell.’ Not enviable. I have an uncle, on my dad’s side, who is the youngest, and only living member of 11 siblings. Bigger sigh.

Also, being older myself, I’ve been indirectly introduced, and hear more often about older people and their not-so-nice situations. My ‘older cohort’ is now somewhat wider and includes relatives and their relatives, and friends and their family. How? I don’t quite know. And naturally, illness, suffering, hospitalization, loneliness, living too long with help from medicines and technology (questionable quality of life) and deaths are recurring themes. Hmm.

So, what to do? Nothing. While it’s sad, I have no control over it. As I said to sister number 3, I can see a future (a little less bright, but I still wear shades to ward off cataracts as long as I can) that might include one or more of the above mentioned issues facing older people. When I say nothing, I don’t mean nothing at all. I mean do stuff that I have some measure of control, and hopefully minimise the inevitable old-people maladies.

My husband and I try not to dwell too much about the uncertainties ahead of us. Instead, we try to do whatever we can, while we can. Like stay fit and healthy. Try not to fall and break anything, again😊. Eat a little better. Exercise. Walk after dinner. Take some recommended supplements. Sleep. That’s a little elusive, particularly for me. Invest in ‘reliable medical insurance’ that will provide, hopefully, adequate cover. Roof over our heads. That sort of thing.

Do stuff. It doesn’t always have to be long-haul holidays. There are things to do where we live, in and around the city. For instance, we have watched talented local bands and singers in KL, minus the high-ticket prices that we have to normally fork out for visiting foreign entertainers. Don’t get me wrong, we want to watch international performers. We are happy for more bands to play in the country. But … my two-pronged complaint is the too big ticket price, and too faraway stage that makes the artistes in action appear like tiny dots. No point. 

We’ve also attended exhibitions on art and social issues, which by the way, have been interesting and illuminating. The talent, technology and concept are impressive. Some have entry fees, but most, not.

City parks are free. We have so many that we can walk in, enjoy the landscaped environment and discover birds and other park inhabitants like civet cats and monitor lizards.

Food. Yes, we have to pay to eat. But we are fortunate to have yum food at reasonable prices. And, the choices are infinite. Eating can be both fun and an adventure.

What is nice is realising that there are still things that I can choose to do, and somewhat control, at least for now.