My mum’s ‘Thevasam’ or first year anniversary prayer was on 7 June, 2025 at the Maha Shivan Temple in Jalan Gasing. The appointed date or ‘tithi’ was based on the Hindu lunar calendar.

Driving along Jalan Gasing and up to the temple that Saturday morning brought back a flurry of memories. My husband and I used to live not far from the temple. It was our first home after we got married. My mum used to stay with us from time to time. With me when my husband worked in the Philippines, when she fractured her wrist, and especially during the school holidays when nephew number 4 and niece number 3 were little.

My mum and I have been to this temple a few times. One of those times was to attend a function/prayer arranged by brother number 1. The temple is not how I remember it. Seems smaller. That said, I haven’t been back since my husband and I moved to KL 18 years ago.

Back to my mum’s prayers. Honestly, I was dreading it. I was afraid I’d wear my heart on my sleeves in the temple, and in company. In fact, I told my husband to hit me over the head if I got emotional and tearful.

To be fair, I’ve made progress, come to terms, sort of, with not having my mum around anymore. But I still miss her. I think of her, every day. Feel sad and teary, on and off. Hence, I didn’t need nor want to be reminded again that she’s not with me/us by this ceremony.

I’ve always maintained that what mattered most to me was to love, care and be there for my mum when she was alive and living. All things post, I was less interested about. The same applies to all who matter to me in my life, even more so, after my mum and brother number 1 passed. I do my best to focus on the good, kind, funny, and helpful in people, and do my best to be/do the same.

Also, I wasn’t sure, didn’t know what to think about this or other rituals. I tried to rationalise the what’s, the why’s, who came up with all these, who knows what happens in the afterlife if there is one, who benefits etc., etc., and then I stopped because I don’t know what to believe and what not to. Also, I told myself that this wasn’t about me or what I want or think.

So, I went with the flow. In this case, it was my mum’s wishes to have the traditional rituals performed for her. Brother number 2 had had a long conversation with her when she first became unwell in late 2021 and after brother number 1 passed in late 2023.

Gratefully, brother number 2 organised the temple prayers, and performed the main rituals as instructed by the attending priest. I didn’t want to be involved for fear of being overwhelmed by sadness and tears. However, I did observe and try to understand what the ceremony entailed.

The temple prepared ‘tambalams’ or platters comprising offerings that included prayer items, fruit, vegetables, flowers, dried shrubs, rice balls, and fire or ‘homa.’ I/we brought our mum’s photo, particularly the one that was used last year when she passed, the saree that was draped on her, and her reading glasses. I’m not sure of the significance of the latter two items.

The priest recited mantras and prayers to the Gods to obtain their blessings. It was conducted mainly in Sanskrit, interspersed with Tamil. We, the children, grandchildren, and in-laws participated in some of the ceremony. We placed in the fire, items that each of us were given in small stainless plates, and prostrated before our mum’s photo.

The priest also asked brother number 2 if he had any siblings present. Instinctively, I put my hand up, and he invited me to sit with brother number 2. He explained that this part of the ceremony was to bless our mum’s soul and our ancestors. He asked for the names of our mum, her mother/our grandmother, and her grandmother/our great-grandmother. Three generations. We also prayed for our ancestors. It reaffirmed that my mum was no longer with me/us and we were praying for her … soul. Silly me got all sad and tearful. I know she’s gone. But it’s hard, which was why I wanted to be on the sidelines/periphery.

The temple ceremony was followed by prayers/padayal and lunch at my mum’s condo. The banana leaf that served as a platter was overflowing with food that my mum enjoyed like sweet rice, tamarind rice, ‘payasam,’ kuih, carrot cake, prunes, guava, and mango. Also, dhal, fried plantain and ‘keseri,’ courtesy of my sister-in-law.

For me, the prayers were another reminder that my mum is no longer with me/us. What to do.