I went to my temple in SS3, last Tuesday. To do prayers for my eldest brother-in-law. He passed on 1 January.

Brother-in-law number 1 was not well for a while. At least not after he had a major heart surgery on 8 March 2023. Recovery was slow and involved many hospital visits. Over that time, he had good and not so good days.

Gratefully, he still managed to go on a ‘many-times postponed for health reasons’ cruise with sister number 1 last year. The two have notched up many cruises under their belt. He even flew to Edinburgh as recently as middle December to view and buy a car he especially liked.

Inexplicably, the latter part of December saw a quick deterioration in him. His passing and the whole of January leading up to the funeral on 23 January have been particularly hard on sister number 1 and family. Sadly, it will continue to be hard. There’s no way around it. She has lost her best friend, and confidante of fifty years. How can it not be hard?

That said, family and friends are a big help. They are a comfort, many shoulders to lean on, meaningful and caring souls to talk things through. But it’s sister number 1, who has to deal with not having her husband by her side and on her side from now on. That exclusive bond that’s hers and his only.

I’m sad for sister number 1. I think of her often, and hope she is alright. I don’t know what to say to her that can in some small way make her feel a little better. I send text messages and listen to her when she calls. I nod and nod on my end of the mobile, not saying much at all. I know it sounds lame and it is. But I don’t want to say the wrong thing and upset her or worse, sound trite.

What I keep thinking is how I felt after my mum passed. I know it’s a different relationship. Mother-daughter. Wife-husband.

I felt grief. I know people say it’s a different type of grief. And, they’re probably right.

All I know is it’s hard, it’s sad, it’s painful and it’s long drawn. This thing called grief. Whatever type it might be.

And, sister number 1 is grieving. Her emotions are real, deep, and sad. She’s tearful. I know there’s no time limit to grieving. I also know that grief has to be lived through. It’s a process, and it cannot be gotten over with in a specific way or time.

With my mum, the pall of sadness lingered. I didn’t want to be sad. I just was. It exhausted and overwhelmed me. At times, it made me physically ill.

Thoughts swirled around in my head like they were on a loop. And, they were always about not being able to see her again, ever, and wishing I had done more for her. Cared and loved her more. Been there with her when she passed and not in Mongolia.

At that time when things were just too raw for me, nothing was a consolation. I think that’s why I’m so afraid to say anything to sister number 1. For me, words, while nice and kind of people to say and share, rang hollow and could not fill the gaping hole of grief I felt. But what else can people say or do under the difficult circumstance. I don’t know.

What I realised, not then, but after a very long time, was that time does heal, albeit, slowly. Don’t get me wrong, I still have many moments when sadness hits me big time, but I’m better able to knock some into my head. What else can I do.

I feel that with time, remembering the happy, funny, cheeky things that my mum said and did, helps me laugh more than be sad. I like quoting her phrases and idioms to describe people and things.

Sharing stories about her is a treat. Besides her Tamil soap operas, she enjoyed watching the Paddington movies with my husband. Laughing out loud at the funny bits despite having difficulty hearing the dialogue. Or her fascination with the moon, and the lunar and solar eclipses. I think of my mum when I see the moon.

Looking at the photo wall of my mum (still can’t do videos of her) is my way of revisiting the various times and places spent with her. It makes me happy and sad, and that’s alright.  

I miss my mum every day. Its just that I feel a little less sad and heavy hearted when I think, remember, see, and talk to her and about her.

With time and in her own time, I hope and pray that sister number 1 will manage to feel a little less sad and a little less heavy hearted.