Control and choices

December 29, 2025.Reading time 6 minutes.

I knew it all along. And yet, I didn’t quite allow myself to think, understand, and accept it. It took more than a year after my mum had passed, and several books, mainly fiction about relationships, love, emotions, time travel, death, and the harbinger of death, who knew there was such a thing, that I […]

My mum’s celebration

October 20, 2025.Reading time 6 minutes.

It’s Deepavali today. I’ve been thinking about my mum for a while now. How excited she got at every Deepavali. It was her celebration. She said and reiterated how Deepavali was the main event in her life. Not Ponggal, Thaipusam or even her birthday. Nope, it was Deepavali. From childhood, all through her married life […]

First year anniversary

June 16, 2025.Reading time 6 minutes.

My mum’s ‘Thevasam’ or first year anniversary prayer was on 7 June, 2025 at the Maha Shivan Temple in Jalan Gasing. The appointed date or ‘tithi’ was based on the Hindu lunar calendar. Driving along Jalan Gasing and up to the temple that Saturday morning brought back a flurry of memories. My husband and I […]

A treat for two

June 2, 2025.Reading time 6 minutes.

At breakfast, sister number 3 and I agreed, that our holiday away, just the two of us, was indeed a treat. It felt free and easy, and unencumbered. At Mangala Boutique Resort in Pahang, there was a choice of freshly squeezed juices. A selection of fruit. A variety of pastries with homemade jam and butter. […]

Closure or no closure

May 26, 2025.Reading time 6 minutes.

I thought closure would help me. How? Be less sad, maybe. Feel less guilty, hopefully. How though? By seeing my mum and saying to her all the things I want to say to her. Like what? Like I love her. I wish I had done better by her. I wish I had been there when […]

Six months on

November 18, 2024.Reading time 6 minutes.

Tomorrow is six months since my mum passed. I’m not keeping count of the days or months, but the 19th is difficult to forget. It’s etched in my heart and head, as is my mum. I see my mum every day, everywhere. I have a photo wall, photos on my side table and more photos […]

England

October 7, 2024.Reading time 6 minutes.

England has always been and still is a special place/destination for me. Weirdly, when I was growing up in Alor Setar, I used to either dream or imagine about sycamore trees in England. Yes, weird. Why? Because I didn’t know what a sycamore tree was or looked like. And, I didn’t know what England was […]

91 this week

September 23, 2024.Reading time 6 minutes.

My mum would have been 91 this Friday. It’s not wishful thinking. It’s not a lament. It’s just … I miss her. I’m so grateful to have had my mum for as long as I did. 90 years and 8 months is pretty good innings, by any measure. I can’t ask for more, and honestly, […]

That’s life

August 19, 2024.Reading time 6 minutes.

Today is three months since my mum passed. I miss her. The previous Sunday, my husband and I went to see my mum at her final resting place, with her new headstone. It was erected on the Wednesday before. That was her wish/decision. To be buried. To have the customary final rites performed for her. […]

Meet up

August 5, 2024.Reading time 6 minutes.

I met up with two of my university mates recently. It was my first social meet up since my mum passed. I have consciously avoided speaking, seeing, or spending time with anyone outside my family. The last gathering that involved family members was about nine weeks ago just before sister number 3 left for England. […]