My initial reaction to some articles I read about caregiving, aging parents and siblings was incredulity. Really? Seriously? How can? I u-turned quick quickly. Especially when I recalled stories from friends and former colleagues who’ve had and continue to have difficulty in trying to provide care for their elderly parents.

An ex-colleague gave up a high-flying job in Jakarta when her mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Her dad was also getting on in age. She was the divorced, middle-child. There was a stay-at-home older sister with three school-going children, and a younger brother, who was in the fitness industry and single at the time. The younger brother lived closest, and in the same state as the parents. As the parents’ situation deteriorated, he said he couldn’t cope, and sent them to his older sister’s home in KL. It’s been at least 10 years now, and the sisters still share the responsibility of care for their mum and dad. The brother visits, when he can.

A school friend placed her mum in a nursing home out of desperation. She couldn’t do solo-caring, and manage her job and ailments as well. She had four siblings, who agreed to a share-and-care timetable. After two months, they failed to honour it. Busy lives, family obligations and illness were excuses given. Her siblings claimed they loved their mum, and spoke a lot about caring and loving but were unthinking. Their mum died shortly after.

Which brings me to me – my mum’s primary carer. I love my mum dearly. I would be devastated if I couldn’t care for her, visit or see her, for whatever real or imagined reasons/excuses. I’m thankful to be living closest to her.

In 2017, I had written a post about caring for carers. About my role and responsibilities. And, how I hadn’t realised the toll my mum’s, then, protracted bouts of cold/pneumonia and weak heart had on me until mid-way during a holiday in Australia. I had written that despite being a feisty old girl (there are occasional flashes even now), she needed help with her medications and food, and looking after.

I ended that post by stating that my mantra was to take a break, when possible. To ask for help from my siblings. Share and show them what they needed to do to help out. And, for my mum’s seven children to be aware of her needs.

Its August 2, 2021. More than four years has gone by.

My mantra to have a break, when possible, got kicked out the window when Covid-19 happened last March. During the last 16 months, my husband and I managed to get away for a grand total of 7 nights. Yes, the pandemic has limited cross-border travel and leisure activities. Yes, I haven’t had a break in 70 weeks.

To ask for help from my siblings. I have 4 sisters living overseas and 2 brothers in the Klang Valley.

Today, my mum is clearly frailer. More breathless and tired all the time. She needs a rest after walking between her bedroom and bathroom. Why? Her Left Ventricular Ejection Fraction (LVEF) has dropped from 64% in 2017 to 35% in 2021. EF is the percentage of blood the heart can push forward with each pump[1]. Her heart is failing, and she has asthma and arthritis to boot.

Now, my mum’s job is looking after her own personal care, which is, in itself, a big undertaking.  Everything – from grocery planning and buying to cooking and putting food on the table to washing and tiding up; making and meeting doctors’ appointments, buying and ensuring medicines are taken at the right times and monitoring health status; cleaning, laundry and organising her condo to recording her favourite TV dramas – is my job.

Which brings me to some articles I read about caregiving and siblings. I realised the issues (I) were universal, and the advice (A) were useful. Amongst them:

I – ‘No one asked me,’ ‘I don’t know what to do,’ and ‘You’re so much better than me at this.’  

A –   Provide clear step-by-step guidelines with no room for ambiguity or misunderstanding.

I – ‘You’re making a big deal about caring for mum/dad.’ ‘You should let mum/dad do more work for exercise.’

A – Share a daily/weekly/monthly list of activities that mum/dad actually need hands-on help with.

 I – ‘I live too far away’ or ‘My area is under lockdown.’

A – The internet allows everyone with a mobile phone to help with research on medicines/specialists/elderly care equipment and/or arrange grocery/food/medicine deliveries.

I – ‘I can’t bathe or give mum/dad a shower because I’m the son/daughter.’

A – There is no gender stereotyping when caring for elderly parents. 

All said, I’m just very grateful to have my mum with me.