Don’t get me wrong. I’m not dissing life. On the contrary, I am grateful for my life. The people, the experiences and the learnings that have influenced and shaped me. My journey, thus far, has been generally interesting and eventful. My husband and I have been fortunate. We have managed to do a lot of stuff that we wanted to do. Like travelling. We took a year off, and did several three-month holidays since we coupled over 26 years ago. The length of the holidays meant we had to give up steady jobs, and have reasonable savings. Plus sensible plans that covered the destination countries, flights, car rentals, accommodation, and domestic routes plotted with road map books before Waze and Google Maps. We were also able to gallivant quite freely because we didn’t have to consider school terms and exams, sans children. The times away were all wonderfully liberating.
As for the less happy and hurtful phases in my life, I am still trying to chalk them up to life’s learnings. Still trying only because I’m grappling with how much I don’t understand how people including family think, act and behave. I should give it up as a lost cause but ‘the dog with the bone’ – me, is still trying to figure out the befuddling human behaviour.
Anyways, what’s currently making me mopey is my situation. The responsibility. The worry. The aloneness. The routine. The limitation. The clock watching. My day starts. It ends. It turns into weeks. Before I know it or rather while I am aware of the chugging days, its April. Four months into the new year. What have I done? Where have I visited? What have I enjoyed? What are the highlights of these past months?
I realised quite immediately that asking myself these questions prompted me to ask more questions. What was it about the responsibility, worry and aloneness that was getting me down? Was it having to deal with my mum’s chronic and cyclical ailments? Was it not having the chance, not since last December, to have lie-ins in the morning, as my mum’s designated showerer? What if I didn’t have to worry or do any of it? Hmm. I’d be lost, for sure. I shudder to think of life without my mum. I’m thankful to be where I am. Doing what I’m doing. Which is in KL. Caring for my mum.
A conversation with niece number two brought it home to me. Mother to a two-month-old baby girl, and eight-year-old daughter, she and husband were here recently to visit brother number 1, and the rest of the family. She said her baby totally/completely needed her now. She is her baby’s food source, comforter, and security blanket. But, not for long. Like daughter number 1, who although enjoys spending time with her, is independent.
Not too dissimilar with my mum, who is at the other end of the spectrum. My mum needs me and/or her children at this point in her life. She too was independent and self-caring for most of her life. Old age coupled with ailments have gotten the better of her. She has difficulty breathing, just walking a few steps between her bed/sofa and bathroom. Her pulse sometimes races up to 135. She has recurring yellow phlegm that congests her lungs. She says she is ready to leave this life. Her heart is heavy because she feels she’s a burden to me. No amount of convincing can unconvince her. The upside is she knows how much I genuinely love her.
And, despite my mopeyness about the routine, limitation and clock watching, my husband and I have discovered/are discovering pretty parks, beaches, and townships in and around the Klang Valley. That is, with a bit of planning, and working around Kalyani, the caregiver, and brother number 2, who is with my mum on Saturday morning to Sunday lunch time. We are also managing to have dinners out. There’s almost a semblance of our former life. Local or foreign holidays will have to wait until siblings visit, and/or care for my mum.
What about Kalyani? For simplicity, she does almost 12 hours on 3 days, and 3 nights. She cannot work around-the-clock. I need another Kalyani for the other 12 hours of the days/nights. Caregiving service is not cheap, at a monthly RM5200. I like Kalyani. But, I still have to prep my mum’s daily needs from food, medicines, equipment to diapers for the caregiver to dispense. As for morning showers, my mum, not me, is not yet ready for Kalyani to takeover the task.
So how? I don’t know. What I know is I feel a little less mopey having asked and answered my own questions.
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