Very early one morning I noticed an accident from my condominium window. It involved a motorcyclist. I knew it was fatal because of the piece of white cloth placed over the deceased and vehicle. The police had cordoned off a part of the road and there was a long queue of cars.

I couldn’t get that image out of my head for many weeks. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak about what I had seen. And even today, I think of his/her family, who’s lives would have changed immeasurably on that fateful day. I don’t mean to be morbid. It was just so sad. A sad Monday morning for me but sadder days, months and/or years for the family and people who loved this person. 

People die every day, everywhere in the world. Accidents, illnesses, viruses, murders and wars. Each life lost is a life that was/is still loved, remembered and missed dearly. I think about death and dying now and again. More frequently, of late. Not mine, but my loved ones. Particularly, one very lovable elderly person whom I love and care for dearly. Mine, I can cope. It’s her ( I can’t bring myself to say) and the others that worry me. What do I do? How do I cope?

What do I do? I’m clear minded, in theory, as to what I should do. I have sat myself down, and have had many reasonable conversations on the list of my to-dos in such an event. One – I will make sure I’ve exhausted everything possible that might help change the situation. Two – I will pray for my forever dearest’s soul to rest in peace, and for us to meet again one day. When, how and where, I don’t know. Three – I will pray for my senses and strength to prevail. Four – I will call my husband, and ask him to inform my family.

I’m also clear minded, in practice, as to what I will do. My heart will break. I will fall apart. I see that scenario playing out in reality. Which is why I have never gone beyond number four. Even that, I suspect, is wishful thinking. I am very likely to do only number four. I am wholly aware of the inevitable. I am not deluding myself. I just know for sure I’m not going to be any good at handling it. Hence, my life’s focus has and is always on the here and now. I do my best to care and love my loved one now – when she is still able to experience and enjoy life and its offerings. I’m expressive and tactile with my emotions. I show and tell my feelings.

Together with my siblings, we have, I like to think, provided her with a comfortable home, medicines to keep her system going, her favourite entertainment channels, and home-cooked and takeaway meals. Loads of tissue paper, toilet and kitchen rolls, cleaning up detergent and a well-stocked pantry of Milo, full-cream milk, biscuits and Suji flour. I know they are everyday grocery items. But they are important to her. And, they never fail to bring huge smiles to her face. Even as recently as two weeks ago, she asked that I leave her kitchen and toilet rolls and tissues, near the entrance of her condominium. So she could happily gaze at them. I kid you not.

How do I cope? I know I must. I just don’t know how. People lose their mums, dads, siblings and spouses. And, they cope. With time. What choice is there? My neighbour’s husband died of cancer about four years ago. My husband and I were/are friends of the couple. He died while having treatment overseas. I remember her phone calls. I had no words to comfort or console. Everything sounded trite to me. I did the only thing that I knew and felt. I cried with her. I still remember my husband and I, together with a mutual friend entered their condominium unit (I have the key) to retrieve his favourite black suit to be buried in. It was so difficult. A sad memory that will stay forever. A few weeks ago, we watched a man on Sky TV recount how his mum, dad and brother died of Covid-19. All within a week. He said he had to organise three flower arrangements, three hearses… My heart went out to him. He still came on air to advise people to get vaccinated. How is he coping? I honestly don’t know.

I cannot say this enough. For me, it’s always about the ‘now.’ To love. To care. To cherish. To make life as happy and comfortable as possible. To enjoy each day. To create unforgettable memories. ‘After’ is too late and I don’t know how to cope with the ‘after.’