Even as I was working on it, I knew in my heart, it wasn’t.

I’m trying though, honestly. It’s just too much to expect, too soon. I don’t know how long it’ll take. I don’t think there’s a dateline or a timeline. It’ll happen, one day. I guess.

My mum’s been gone for two years, two months now. I still miss her a lot. Brother number 1 left us two years, seven months ago.

Sister number 3 … well, what can I say. It’s not even three months, and yet it feels like years. I feel like I haven’t spoken to her in a long, long time, which I haven’t, obviously. No WhatsApp messages. Nothing. Silence.

I miss her every day. No exaggeration. She populates my head in one way or other. No matter what I do – and, I’ve done a lot of things in the name of keeping busy. Or where I go – and, I’ve been to many places, in the hope of keeping myself occupied. She’s with me. Pivotally. Which, really … is a nice to have. If only I can get my act together and not feel bad and sad and tearful.

I kid you not. Since April, my husband and I have been to Cherating in Pahang, Cameron Highlands also in Pahang, Kuala Terengganu and Ipoh. It was a good idea to visit these places. It gave me intermittent respite. Oddly, I’ve had no interest in writing about any of them although there were several places that were distinctive and quirky nice.

We go for walks in the parks in KL, at least once or twice a week. It’s nice to be outdoors. Fewer people and cleaner air. We hear bird songs, and if we are lucky, we spot some attractive birds like herons, storks and kingfishers.

We play pickleball, when we can and/or when we feel like it. My husband does off-road biking once every three weeks. We try to keep busy.

We also make an effort to watch live bands at various venues in KL, at least once a month. I say make an effort because bands only come on stage, well after 9.30pm, and by the time they finish their first set, it’s way after 10pm. Also, at some venues, despite the smoking ban when/where food is served, it’s not enforced. Tables have ashtrays at the ready for customers.

So how? This is how. ‘If I don’t like the cowboy attitude of the establishment, I can take my business elsewhere.’ Yes, I could report them but visible ashtrays on tables, not by request, is a decodable message.

Anyways, we are usually home around 9pm, after dinner and a walk. Shower, get comfy, and watch TV and/or read until we get tired enough for bed, i.e., around 11pm to 11.30pm. Falling asleep and staying asleep is another matter.

I’m laughing as I’m writing this. When we were younger, going out and staying out late didn’t seem like an effort. In fact, we were always looking to stay out as often and as late as possible.

During my first visit to London, sister number 3 and I went to discos, watched plays, mainly musicals, and stayed up late. The next morning, she’d breezily head off to work. No problem. The same was true with my husband and me during our two-year long-distance commute. I was working in KL and he, in Manila.

We visited each other in our respective cities. In KL, we went to the Betelnut, Tin Mine, yes, the one that was in KL Hilton, and Jump, which closed a long time ago. And, in Manila, we hung out at the Streetlife, Hard Rock Café and Mars. 

We partied until the wee hours of the morning, but somehow managed to remain coherent at work the next day. I remember motoring on despite the sleep deprivation, which didn’t seem like a big deal then. These days, night outs, while fun, requires a bit of adjustment😊.

And, of course there was the almost two weeks in June that I bunked in with my three sisters, who visited from England and Australia. We talked, we recollected, we laughed, we learnt, we discovered, we realised, and we cried about sister number 3. We tried to make sense of things. We then laid her to rest with the family, at home, in Malaysia.

Spending time with my sisters and brother number 2 was precious. It was a much-needed, nostalgic reunion of sorts, and I have very fond and cherished memories of being with my siblings.

Did the coming together help me accept the inevitable and move forward? Does keeping busy and going places help me miss her less or feel less sad? 

Yes. No. I don’t know. What I know for sure is my Sinnavan is ever present in my head and in my heart.